Sometimes its hard/ frustrating not being able to speak the same language
with the people you are surrounded by. We have been moving around a lot
on this trip and everywhere you go there is a new language filled with
new greetings and new phrases to pick up. Last week at church one of the
missionaries here in Moshi, Tanzania stood up and was sharing about how
people get caught up in not knowing languages but how when God calls us
somewhere he wants us to go and to not worry about the language. "It
doesn't matter if you know the language- if you know the language of
love you can go!!" -Alice.
That has been on my heart quite a bit since she spoke it. I have been
thinking about God and how he is love. I know God. Therefore I should be
able to speak love. Love goes beyond language.
Our team went to a place called the Zoey Baby Center. They take in
babies that are not wanted and raise them up with as much love and care
as they are able. We had so much fun playing with those babies and
holding them and loving on them and none of them could understand a word
we would say. The little toddlers just wanted to be loved so we would
speak to them anyway. I was holding this one little tiny baby and the
whole time I was talking to her and she was smiling and laughing. Oh she
was the sweetest little thing and I think that in those moments its
like God is standing there as our translator. He is taking anything that
we say and speaking love over them in words they can understand in
their spirit.
I hope that today we can all go where God calls us. I hope that today we
speak love boldly because that is what will be understood.
The Lords Prayer in Swahili: (try to speak it out... its fun!)
mathayo 6:9
Basi, hivi ndivgo mnavyopaswa kusali:
'Baba yetu uliye mbinguni
jina lako litukwe;
Utawala wako ufike;
Utakalo lifanyike duniani kama mbinguni.
Utupe leo chakula chetu tunachohitaji,
Utusamehe makosa yetu
kama nami tuvacyowasamehe waliotukosea.
Usitutie katika majaribu,
lakini utuokoe na yule mwovu.
God is the same here as he is at home. He understands us in the same way
he understands them. Praise the Lord. His first language is not
english... but love.
There are parts of my story that are hard to talk about. I think everyone has those places... the deep down dusty places. God has brought total healing there but its still not casual table talk material for me.
Yesterday we were brought to a friends house to visit with John and Ausha, a married Tanzanian couple that we do ministry with here, and their cousin Esther, a 15 year old girl who was just given a second chance (a miracle story in and of itself) to go to school. We came to talk mostly to Esther to encourage her before she left for boarding school. She has seen far too much for being 15 and has experienced a lot of brokenness in her life and seemed to be clinging onto the hurt and claiming bitterness as who she was.
My heart broke for her and I wanted her to be free. We had just a short amount of time but God just began to speak and to go deep into her heart. It was so neat to get to share with her and just cover her in Gods truth and just when I thought we were going to be done she asked me a question which invited a response of those hard to talk about places in my life. She wanted me to talk about my dust. So I shared with her, I let her into that place and it was beautiful. The whole conversation before that I fought for eye contact but now her attention was on me- her eyes staring so intently that it was almost unnerving. Out of my story I got to share with Esther hope and healing and so many more truths that God wanted to speak to her. It was so special, the whole thing was SO special. She was so special.
Later that night I was thinking about the different areas of brokenness we walk in. It 'seems' so broken but it is never broken beyond restoration. Restoration is what God does. He takes our brokenness and he makes it beautiful. Watching God use my brokenness that afternoon for his glory and restoration of his daughter was the most humbling thing and it took the healing I have already received to an even deeper place than before. He is always going deeper, never relenting in his love and desire for us to walk in wholeness.
I was reminded that my brokenness isn't my ugly but instead it is some of my most beautiful places. It is there he has been at work and I should never try to hide that away. It should be spoken out so that Gods beauty can be seen out my dust.
Pray for Esther that God would continue what he has begun. That he would began to take the brokenness and show her his beautiful redemption. Pray for her as she begins school tomorrow!
"Combat comes before victory. If God has chosen special trials for you to endure, be assured He has kept a very special place in his heart just for you. A badly bruised soul is one who is chosen." -streams in the desert june 19th.
I met Anna during ministry a couple of days ago. Anna is stick thin- as is her little 1 year old baby who sat outside of the one roomed cement home eating some mushy looking food. Anna has 2 other kids but they were a little older and when we were there they were at smile africa being fed and going to class. The youngest one was not old enough to go to Smile Africa yet so she fed him the little she had at her home.
Her husband died last year and when she sent money to her father about 400 miles away to build her a hut so she could move closer he used the money all up.
I feel like for the most part Africans have a toughness to them- but Anna spoke with defeat and brokenness as she explained how she couldn't even provide food for her children and was 3 months behind on her $7 a month rent. Her landlord was kind and was letting her make payments... but his kindness was wearing thin and she shared how he needed some money soon or else she would have to leave.
We stayed with Anna for a long time and shared with her a lot about God. As I sat there and listened to people share and translations being passed along God gave me this picture of how much he loved Anna. She had moved to Tororo years ago when she was a little girl with her new husband. He brought her there so he could work. But God showed me a glimpse at the bigger picture... of how it was him who brought there new family to this place. You see God new long before Anna had children the trials that she would face when her husband would pass away. And God brought her to this place where he could daily provide for her children when she was no longer able. The food provided for her children at Smile was what was keeping them from starving. And God knew.
Sometimes its hard for us to see what God does for us. I know i get blinded all the time in my own life and miss all the things that God orchestrates all around me. He is always faithful. Always. I know I doubt... and my life has seen nothing of the tragedy and hardship of Annas.
It was so special to love on Anna and share the picture that God gave me. As we talked to her she began to smile and talk more and more with us and just laugh.
Meeting Anna really broke the 4 of us who met her. As I sat there I felt God speak to me about how he had also brought us there to provide for her. He brought us to her home that day because he loved her and wanted to use our hands to provide. God spoke the same thing to the other 3 and when we got home and shared what God had stirred in us we decided we wanted to collect money to pay her back rent and help her for the next few months. When we went to ask Florence (the pastors wife and the woman who had taken us to Annas house that day) if it would be appropriate to do this she shared with us how God had spoken to her about providing some food for Anna.
How cool is God. That he would do that for this daughter Anna and speak the same thing to all 5 of us there in the same moment.
The end of the week came and we got to go with Florence to spend some more time with Anna. She greated us with a smile and a lightness before we even walked in the door. And she just laughed and looked each one of us in the eye as she spoke many thank yous in her own language after we gave her the money.
I was challenged to look beyond just what I can see as I watched Gods story unfold just a little bit before my eyes that day.
so i woke up the other morning and wandered out to the out house. On my way back in I saw a pile of books and a journal and passport sitting on the step outside of our door. I was so confused.
When people woke up a little bit later things began to appear missing in the house and one of the girls shared with us how she thought she saw someone running out of our house the night before when she was coming back in from the bathroom. And some more things had been pulled out of the girls room window.
So we got robbed. ha.
At first it was really weird to think about someone hanging around at night and waiting until someone went out for an oppurtunity to come in and take some of our things. It was weird to think about someone being in our house as we slept. It was weird to think about someone at our window quitely pulling things away just inches away from our heads.
But we were all ok. God was sooo good in looking out for us that night as we were sleeping.
Listen to this... they took a passport but brought it back. Another passport had been removed just the night before that bag was taken. The girl who saw the man running away could have walked back in and found him in our house.
That morning we just worshiped God. Because things come and go but God is always good. No one can ever take that away from us. As that man watched us moving about God was watching us too. As we slept our father in heaven was watching us and protecting us. He provided us with the things we needed (the next day we were traveling to Kenya and needed our passports to get across the border). Our God is so good.
We were debreifing as a team last night and we got to share about how God has used this so much in drawing us closer to him as a team and we were laughing as we said we were thankful for it.
I dont think I would have planned to be thankful for being robbed. But I am. Because God showed himself to us in it and I always want to see more him.
Someone told me at our leader training camp before I left for africa that even if I am just going to be in Africa to worship there that that would be valuable.
Now I am here...
and from the moment I stepped off of the plane there was a familiarity. We packed our bags into the van and began to drive and it felt... normal.
Ive been on these roads... I know these places I have friends I can call its all as though no time has past.
I love this place. I love the people here, the simplicity, and their hunger to know God. and the fruit here... ahhh yes! its so good to be here again!
Our first day of "official ministry" was spent at this small mud walled church that was filled with a handful of men, one grandma, a couple of young women and the rest of the benches was full of more children than you could count. We were led to sit down in the front and then our host just left. So we began to just worship with the people there. We worshiped and we prayed for hours in that building. They would share songs and we would share songs trying to work through the different language and different styles of singing and praying the best that we could.
We were jumping and dancing in that hot little stuffy room and at one point God drew my attention to the window. I looked out and saw an alive and beautiful Africa. God began in that moment to speak to me about the value of being there worshiping in that church.
God desirves our worship all of the time.. his creation is always crying out... his people always have words of praise locked up in their hearts ready to pour forth.
The value of worshiping God was pressed on me. His worthiness to be praised. Gods land is meant to be filled with his praise. All of his creation proclaims it all the time... and its good to be in a new place to sing along with the chorus already being sung.
When i come to africa i bring expectations... some right and some not. I have ideas of how God might use me or what I might see happen... But that morning God showed me that it wasnt at all about that... its only about worshipping him.
He told me he has this whole place in his hands... so just worship me. And watch my story unfold.
It
all started on a walk back in the end of March.
I was
headed over to my grandparents house for wednesday lunch and there was a lot on
my mind. I was frustrated and broken and overwhelmed with the world and
thinking about Africa a ton and was just praying through it all.
"What
do you miss about Africa, Cherise?" I felt him gently asking me.
"Everything" i replied out of complete stubborness...
"Right
now what are you really missing?"
"How simple it is..."
"Then
simplify. Stop relying on your car and technology. You don't need it. Give away
all of your money. You don't need it. Get rid of it all this month and trust
me."
As I
walked through edison park he gave me a vision of a simpler life right here in
the midst of everything normal. I thought about how I would need to go buy a bike
if I really wanted to commit to simplifying. Go "buy" something to
simplify... thats funny.
When
I got to my grandparents house God had something else in mind and I left that
day riding my grandpas faithful trek off to the start a great adventure.
I was hoping to go to Africa in the fall so it was easy to give away my money and easy to
believe I didn't need it. I could give away my money this month then "I" could save my money over the summer to go to Africa. Easy trust.
Somewhere
in the middle of April conversation began about me leading a trip this summer.
Its a whole other story of Gods goodness as to how it all came about but in
the end I was signed up to lead a Real Life trip called Africa Expeditions for
2 months this summer and all of a sudden I found myself "needing"
money.
I had
one more paycheck from that month and to be perfectly honest I wrestled a ton
and tried really hard to justify the reasons I would need and should and why
God would want me to keep that money. When I would play through the numbers in
my head it was easy to see that if I kept that money then I would be able to
save up for the trip all on my own. Man, I wanted to keep that
money because it would be easy but I knew what God had called me too and I want
to be someone who is fully faithful to his call and not just faithful when it
is easy. I remembered how he had asked me if I trusted him.
I
want to live like I trust him and not just say it with my mouth.
I
started this month with no money. I was laughing looking at one of my paystubs
form work... you know the place where if shows the total money you have made
this year to date...and I had nothing in my bank account to show for it. I am sure that there are some who are reading this who think this is foolishness to empty out your bank account... and thats ok, because what God had taught me through giving was well worth it all. It really is a joy
to give and we are after all blessed to be a blessing!
Its easy to write about it this with confidence looking back already knowing what God has done. I wish I could say it was easy for me to trust but really it was a daily challenge and there were several moments of fear and doubt and uncertainty, and times when I had to get with my friends and be encouraged to keep after God. As you read the rest of this testimony my hope is that you will be more couragous than I was in following after Gods crazy roller coaster ride and that we can become a people fully confident in the truth that he who promises is faithful...
So very faithful...
2
weeks ago I had my notebook out and was doing some number crunching looking at
what I was expecting to make this month and to see if I had
enough for the trip and I didnt. I was way short. I was tempted to start
worrying... and then that question of "do i trust him?" came to my mind and
that peace that surpasses understanding overwhelmed me. "Just wait
and see" he was whispering to me that day in my room.
A few
days ago in the middle of my time studying Nehemiah I went on my computer and
got out that same notebook and began to look over those same numbers. My
eyes went back and forth over and over and I kept reentering those numbers in
my calculator. There was more money than before. Enough. I found a deposit was
made into my account a while back for significantly more money than I had
expected to be deposited. I was trying to "figure it out" and
couldn't. I looked at my bible and journal in front of me and just started to
laugh. Thanks Jesus.
Since
that day even more money has been added to my support account through AIM.
I am so humbled. I am humbled that the God of the universe wanted to walk
me through this journey.
I remember
talking to my cousin Emily in the midst of all of this about how it seemed like
God wanted to keep me from being able to get myself to Africa. He knew that my
temptation was to hold onto money so that I could do things myself. But
He wanted to get me there. I believe that is why before I even knew I would be
leaving he called me to let go of the thing he knew would keep me from seeing
his faithfulness. Its crazy to think that if I would have kept that money
I would have missed this opportunity for my faith to grow (and its scary to me
to think of how I was really close to keeping that money and not trusting him).
I don't want to miss moments like this that he has for me. I want to trust him
next time without question when he says let go. I want to fully trust that he
has good things planned for me like he says. I want to follow him even
when the world thinks its foolish.
...Because he who promises IS faithful. He
wanted to get me to Africa and he has done it. Oh how faithful is our God...
The other night I had this dream: I was in this crowded store with my mom and my sister. It was full of all kinds of things and we all scattered around and began to shop. As I was looking around I began to pick out things that I would need to be a bride. I didn't want my mom or my sister to know because I felt like it was wrong to be planning on being a bride when no one had asked me to marry them. This lady in the store asked me to try on this wedding dress and she was wearing one too. My mom came over to me and was telling me how beautiful it was but when I looked in the mirror I only felt foolish for having it on. My mom started taking me around the shop to pick out things for my marriage because she had known all along that that is what I had been doing; but I just kept telling her how I didn't even know if anyone was coming for me so how could I be a bride?
I woke up feeling sad and frustrated that I was wearing that dress and preparing for something that sometimes seems like Im getting further from rather than closer. I have grown up watching my cousins walk down the aisle wearing beautiful wedding dresses at young ages and have often struggled with wondering why no one has chosen me me? Am I worth coming after?
But God has been really using this dream that I had to show me so much. He has been showing me that I was right to prepare and that it doesn't matter when or even if anyone is "coming" for me- I am still being called to prepare for a marriage because His call for my life is to be His Bride. I don't have to wait to be asked because I have already been chosen.
... and he cannot keep his eyes off of me because he made me beautiful and he pursues my heart every single moment of every single day.
"As a young man marries a young woman, so your Builder will marry you: as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you" Isaiah 62:5
I don't have to any longer hope to one day be a bride because there is a groom waiting for me this very moment at the end of an aisle calling me to Him. His gaze is upon me and he has clothed me in white and I will wear the dress he bought for me with His own precious blood. In the dream I felt foolish for wearing the wedding gown but he has been showing me that He has made me worthy to wear the dress and that when I wear it He calls me Beautiful.
I am 23 years old and today and I am getting married. He has been waiting for me. I have been unfaithful like the kings of Israel but he is my redeemer... his gaze is upon me.
"Hallelujuah! For the Lord our God reigns. Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted to her to clothe herself with fine linen bright and pure" - Revelation 19:6-8
My mom was right in my dream, it is time to prepare because a marriage IS coming. In this reality being a bride is something I may do once but in His reality being a bride is who I am, so it is time to look into the eyes of my king... and to offer him my whole heart as I become his bride.
A few weeks ago, I drove up the 5 headed to my newest home here in Seattle, WA. This past summer my job took me up the 5 just about every day to the bridge bay road exit, but never past it, it was as far North as I was meant to go during the summer. I knew that the time was coming for me to cross the bridge... to drive past the exit that i had grown so familiar with and head further North. I would drive under the bridge in skiffy (the little fishing boat i drove on the lake) each week and would dream and wonder about the cars that were already headed that way. Some days I was eager to join them... jealous that they were headed there before me. Some days just the thought of moving further North scared me to death. The bridge was a constant reminder that I would be driving on...
When it came time to cross I expected more emotion, maybe tears or something tangible to mark the move from one season of life into the next, or at least a bigger shift in scenery but to be honest it looked the same as the side I have grown so familiar with- just a little bit further up the 5 than before.
But slowly it did change. Mountains came and then a time that fields calmly stretched over the flat earth and then to more hills and different kinds of trees than before. It was changing- just slowly.
Life for me has taken big steps forward. A year ago today I left to join the Novas Project. A journey that would lead me through Mexico, Uganda and Kenya. A journey that would lead me to meet people that would completely change my life. A journey that would seem impossible in moments but would be accompanied by incredible joy. A journey that would lay a firm foundation for the life that I am called to live. I cannot put into words the growth and the change and the challenge that came from that one year.
I don't think that as I boarded that plane it ever would have crossed my mind that today I would be living back in Seattle (a place I have wanted to move back to for the last several years...) Its hard to imagine that things will be so different one more year from today. Its hard to imagine that I will be so different one year from today... I know that this year looks different than the last but it to is full of growth, change and challenge.
I did cross the bridge but I change just one day at a time. I know this season is growing me and I'll be different at the other side. I will slowly step into that new Cherise- the one that God is faithfully shaping me to be with each day that passes until he calls me to my completeness in Heaven with him one day. Its a beautiful journey that is going to take me to meet her. Just in the same way that i wasn't in Seattle as soon as I crossed over the bridge- there was still so much to see before I got here. So this year I choose to lean into the growth, change and challenge that lies before me (thank you Tag), and to embrace the journey that will lead to Heaven one glorious day.
A journey filled with mountains and valleys and hundreds of new trees to discover.
Today I was at food maxx with Molly, one of the girls I work with here at Sonshine. We go to food maxx to do a lot of the shopping for camp and so we pulled up and she ran in and I just stayed in the white ford truck that we usually drive around. I had the windows down and was listening to some Rosie Thomas and this old couple walks up to their car just a couple of stalls away from me right out side of the entrance of the store. This hunched over old man pushed the cart up to the back of the car while his wife waited on the curb. She shouted to him, just as cranky as could be, for him to put his hat on and he responded by walking over and they locked arms. He picked up her purse and and helped her down from the curb, he opened the car door and helped her sit and handed her back her purse. He closed the door and slowly walked to the back of the car and began loading the groceries into the trunk. She just remained in the car looking so frustrated with everything going on around her. I got busy singing along with Rosie but my attention was caught again as I saw the old man wearing his hat just a few feet away from the car putting the cart back at the front of the store. He walked back over and placed his hat inside the car, got in and they drove away.
Thursday nights here at camp are really special. We bring all the churches that are here together and we hold program for them. They all participate in skit competitions and all that kind of fun stuff and we also have some one from Team Barnabas (the team that I work with) share a testimony and one of the members of the driver team prepares a message for the group.
Last night Elizabeth shared her testimony. I worked with her through out the week in preparing but was still quite touched on Thursday night as she shared. She talked about how when Jesus was on the cross he was saying "I love you this much" with his arms spread open wide. Amazing. Yet, when we hear that our response has become just "thank you". Her challenge was that knowing Jesus is different than loving him. And that our response to loving him is thank you but also should grow deeper into a desperate loving back.
When I was watching that old couple as they interacted I was frustrated with the old lady at first because the old man was being so sweet and taking care of her and showing her so much love just by simply wearing the silly hat and she was just responding by being mad even though he was only walking in the sun for a moment. I started to think about my response to love, in context of the message I heard the night before and also in seeing this couple interact. It was clear after thinking about it a little bit more that the lady obviously just loved her husband and therefore cared about his health and keeping his noggin out of the sun. And it was very clear in the husbands patience and care for his cranky wife that he too must have deeply loved her. And most of all it is clear that God deeply loves us, enough to send his son to die as a message to all that he wants to be in loving relationship with us.
Sometimes I feel like I am bad at responding to love. Like the old lady I say things because I love but maybe not in the most loving of way or maybe I forget to say I love you all together. I often wonder if the people I love the most know to the fullest extent of how much I do love them.
As I begin to understand the deeper and deeper meaning of Gods love for me I hope that my response is more than just a "thank you" to him but more of a falling on my knees and declaring of my love. I want to really respond by walking in the truth of what it means to be loved by God and to love him back. Of course I am thankful... but I hope as the truth of Gods love settles deeper in my heart I would respond_ with love. Love for the father and also love for those around me.
In this past season I have been trying to be very intentional with being thankful and in this next season along with that I want to learn to really walk in response to Gods love. As I walk in response to Gods love my prayer would be that I would learn to better love those around me.
I decided to keep blogging even though I am no longer in Africa in an attempt to continue to keep those of you at home updated as I come and go and try my best to follow Christ as he leads me.
I am currently back up at Lake Shasta (summer number 3!) serving with Sonshine Specialized Camping Ministries.... as the Barnabas Coordinator. My job involves pouring into "Team Barnabas" as they are responsible for cooking and cleaning and ministering to campers on the houseboats. I spend time sharing the word with them and encouraging and loving on them as they love on campers all week. I love my job!
Regarding future plans... I was recently offered an internship with Mercer Island Presbyterian Church in Seattle, WA. And after a lot of prayer and seeking of wisdom from those whose around me I decided that this is an awesome door that has been opened up for me and ya... Seattle here I come. My internship is with the Jr. High program at this church and so I will be spending the next nine months after my summer here again just spending time and loving on that group of jr. highers and everything that it entails. The internship starts in early September meaning it will be just another short visit home before heading back north.
I have been having quite a time with this adjusting to being back in the states... not as much with 'culture shock' as it has been with sorting out what this whole 'growing up' thing looks like. Honestly I would rather be finding my way to neverland where I would never have to 'grow up' but in the meantime it seems to be happening whether I like it or not... ha. I have spent a lot of time dreaming about what it would be like to go to africa or move to a far away city amongst many other thing and I have gone after it and its happening. The reality of it all starts to hit when I start thinking about what it really means to do these things. Its kinda scary. I want to be brave and I want to follow God and go after these things he has put on my heart and I will... but its hard thinking about what that means I am not apart of back at home while I am away. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I want to be directly involved in their lives but God keeps calling me elsewhere... Me and God have been having a lot of talks about this lately. I am wondering if he is preparing me for a life of this or if its just one more season. I think that I am now more 'homesick' than I ever was far away in Africa.
Before I left to come up to the lake I spent one of my few afternoons at home alone at this one park that I just love. While there I was thinking about 'Be'. I have missed saying 'be' since I have been home. In Africa I could just gesture with my hand and say 'be' and children and adults alike would come. The sun was warm and I was really enjoying sitting in the grass, just spending time reading and praying and eventually found myself with my back on the ground and eyes closed thinking about how the warmth of the sun felt almost like getting a kiss from heaven. The slight breeze was cooling my right cheek as it crossed over me but my left cheek remained sun kissed. I was thinking about 'be' and how in Africa it means come but here to just be is the opposite. Swahili vs. English- sounds the same but is so different. I was thinking about how beautiful it felt to just lay in the grass and be and as i did that i was coming near to the Lord.
I want to just Be.
I want to Be in the Lord.
Be myself and come before him.
Be.
Be with my father who already knows me.
Be.
Be beautiful and broken.
Be sunkissed as I lay in the grass surrounded by the presence of my father.
I have to keep coming back and reminding myself of moments like this as I think of what this summer holds and as I look ahead to another season of change and uncertainty. I have to keep my eyes fixed on the father and trust that as he leads me I will be with him where ever that means I go. Be.
