I’m Fine, I’m Fine!

Here in Africa everyone is always
‘fine’.  As you walk down the
streets you hear shouts from people of all ages, “How are you? And they usually
respond “I’m fine!” before you even realize where the question is coming
from.  Or… this is my favorite…
when someone will ride past you on a bike or something and you just hear, “IM
FINE!!” as they go by.  Well I’m
glad your fine- I didn’t ask- but its good to know.  It’s just how the people here respond.  “How are you?” is just a greeting and not
a question at all and “I’m fine” as far as they are concerned is the ONLY
response. 

I
ran into my friend Katie while in Nairobi and she was telling me about this
dream she had about me right after she left from spending time with us at the
base here in Mbita. She said in it me and her were walking down this dirt road
together holding hands.  As we were
walking I just started crying and crying. 
She said that she would ask if I was ok and I would say in the midst of
the tears that I was fine.

This
image of myself crying and yet saying I am fine has been on my mind ever since
I heard her share it.  Something
about it just really hit home with me.

I want to be strong.

I want to be courageous and brave.

Lately, to put it simply, I have not been ‘fine’.  I can’t pin point exactly why not but
it’s just caught up to me… partly from the wear and tear of living in
community, living in Africa, and partly from just living… but for whatever
reason those honest words just won’t seem to come out of my mouth. Instead when
I am asked “I’m fine” is the only response that comes, even though there is a
part of me that would much rather just scream “I am not OK. I am NOT strong…
not even kind of.” I look at the world around me here in Mbita and the
community that I live in and it doesn’t seem fair for me to say that I am not
ok… compared to what is going on around me objectively I really am much more
than ‘fine’.  But in my heart I
don’t feel it right now.  In my
heart I struggle with feeling like I’ll never be enough.  

Not pretty enough, adventurous or creative enough,
knowledgeable enough, interesting enough, a good enough friend or leader, fun
enough, confident enough…

Enough enough enough.

Fearing that if people really knew how stupid the
insecurities are that float around in my head they would be so unimpressed that
they wouldn’t be bothered if I was fine or not.  I know that these are silly thoughts and I am really not
looking for encouraging words, I just wanted to be finally honest.  I just need to say it.  At the moment I am not fine.

Saying that is terrifying to me but I do want to be fine
with people knowing it because it’s the truth. I am not strong. I am not always
brave. But I know that God is strong where I am weak and I know that I have to
stop hiding behind the programmed “I’m fine” response, with myself, with others
and especially with God.  For him
to be able to come and be strong where I am weak I need to be able to be honest
and say God I need you!  After all,
the only one who is ever enough is God.