Yesterday I had a strange moment. We are staying in tents outside of the Pastors house in Homabay… and inside there is this strange and foreign thing…. called a mirror.
Me and my friend Alison stood in the bathroom and I can’t explain it but I just didn’t look the same. So much has changed. I’m not sure if it is anything that anyone else would actually be able to see if they just looked at me… but I think back to when i first left on this trip and everything has changed and it was as though i could physically see it written all over me in that small mirror. Some changes I like and some I don’t really know what to do with, in some ways I feel as though I have grown and in someways I feel stuck.
I held this little girl in my arms yesterday… she was probably about 4. Her name was Neni and she was at one of the events we were having in the market yesterday with her sister, Sarah. She just wanted me to hold her and when I would look at her right in the eyes she would smile. She had the biggest brown eyes. She put her head on my shoulder and would doze off in the midst of all the noise and bustle of people. I held her tight and prayed that time would just slow down for us. When it came time to go I didn’t want to put here down. I couldn’t find Sarah and I didn’t want to leave here in the middle of the crowd. Hezron came and ushered me into the back of the truck… but as we drove away I was just hit with it. Each child. Each Dani. Each Pastor. Each Momma. Each one I meet changes me. And we just keep meeting people. Each day.
I was given some good advice to keep track of names so that I wont forget. I read through it often just to keep the faces and moment fresh in my mind. I cant forget… I rush straight to my journal each time I return home and try to write anything down that I think will help me to remember the moments that I just shared with someone. But then sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I dont even know how to start to write. Sometimes I hate journaling because I feel like it cheapens important things. I try to take pictures but even they leave something out. They dont tell of the sounds and the smells and the touch of the moment… you can’t see all that is happening around before or after to put the importance of that moment in context. To an outsider its just another cute kid or pretty place. But its so much more than that…. its the moment that is redefining who I am.
How do you describe in words these moments that change everything. It was more than just holding Neni.
How will my heart hold together when it comes time to leave this place and these beautiful people.
Its not ever going to be the same. I will always be missing someone.
Meet Neni:
Dear Cherise, I will pray that the Lord continues to bring Danis and Rails and Nenis into your life no matter where He sits you down. I truly believe that you now have the eyes and heart to seek out and see them whether in CA or beyond. Loving you in my prayers and have loved living through you in ministry.XXXOOO
I hope you can see how the changes are beautiful. Those around you see it. The changes are revealing depth and potential and heart…Christ’s heart. Don’t stop!
You are so so beautiful, I feel like I know exactly what you mean and it is such a beautiful ache… it’s like your heart is breaking but yearning for more of it anyway… that doesn’t make sense, but I think you might know what I mean. I love you.
Dearest Cherice You are seeing with the eyes of Jesus That is how HE sees you and me. He is giving you HIS eyes.He is showing you how he looks at you and HE does not want to put you down. The rare thing is HYe will not put you down He does not have to leave ande go to another area….He stays with yoy all the time. He has opened your eyes. I LOVE YOU> Grandma B