Tuesday we had as a whole team a
day of solitude. Anyone who knows me well will not be surprised to hear that
solitude is not my favorite. I love being with people which is exactly why it's
so important for me to wake up early to spend time with God because I am very
easily distracted by the company of those around me.  I just love being with people. But for some reason solitude
was what I knew I desperately needed and believe it or not I was looking
forward for Tuesday to come.

            People
here and people at home have been talking about "leaving everything in Africa"
but let me just say this... I don't know what the heck that means! 

            We
talked a little bit Tuesday morning about what the day was going to look like
and someone was talking about how we should seek out God on how we can really
go for it during these final weeks. 
While I sat there I was thinking ‘YA... I can seek God on that today.
Sounds good. Sounds real good!'

            So
I went out to this bench and sat down with my paint brush and all my paints,
because my mind is quiet while I paint- at least usually.  Instead of listening to God my mind
came to all these crazy questions and all these crazy insecurities and so I
started praying and wrote all of them out.  As soon as all these things were listed out in my journal it
was clear what God was wanting to show me that was hiding inside of my heart.

            Its
not all about leaving it all behind in Africa.  It's about giving everything to God.  I am good at saying I trust God...I am
good at saying it while still wanting to be in control.  But really that is not trust at all-
that's lip service that fools maybe myself but definitely not God.

            Under
the list of things I had written out it says: "Why am I so afraid to be honest
with my brokenness? I know it's not a secret, especially to you God.  I say I trust you Lord but the list
above screams of wanting control and of a lack of trust."

            God
really showed me through out the day some things I have been trying to hold
onto... to be honest they are all good things too, but God wants to be the one
holding them, and he showed me that I have been afraid to completely let
go. 

            "Are
you going to give me EVERYTHING while you are in Africa, Cherise?"

            When
I hold onto things I am not trusting him... but what is the point of that?

            God
has been nothing but trust worthy, constant and worthy to hold everything that
I have to give and more.  There is
a part of me embarrassed to even be writing about these things on a blog where
I am not even sure whose eyes these words will ever make it to... but he is
showing me that there is no fear in people knowing and seeing exactly how
broken I am.  My pride tries to
tell me that I have it all under control... but I am ready for my pride to die
here in Africa, and being honest about this is one way I can step away from
that. Being confident of who I am in Christ is completely different than having
an approving eye of the people around me. 
I don't need to impress anyone. I just need to give everything I have to
Christ.

            So
if anyone knows what is meant when it is said to leave it all in Africa... please
let me know so I can do that too, but in the meantime my aim is to give to God
my whole heart, to stop trying to control and to actively trust him (which
means handing over to him even the deepest desires of my heart and the scariest
of all my fears... )

I can do this because he is trustworthy.

This song sung by Enter the Worship Circle called ‘I Will
Bow' has been speaking to me about this. It says:

"Two things have I have heard from the word you have spoken.

You oh God are strong.

You oh God are loving.

I will not be shaken.

I will bow.

I will bow.

Lift my eyes up from the ashes and put my knees on the
ground. I will bow. I will bow.

One thing will I seek it's you and you alone.

I don't have to fear, I know you are here, I will not be
moved.

I am pouring out my heart to you oh God. I am weak. You are
strong. I am putting all my hope in you oh God, in you and to you and for you
alone.

I will bow.

I will bow.

Lift my eyes up from the ashes and put my knees on the
ground. I will bow. I will bow."