What if the team I ‘lead’ seems to
be paralyzed, unwilling to go deeper, unwilling to really commit to standing by
one another? What does that say of me as a leader? This is the question that
has been looming over me the last couple of weeks. I have been struggling with feeling responsible for the lack
of commitment to our team or something and Satan has been speaking doubt over
me in the things God has clearly called me to do. I think about this upcoming
summer and I can’t help but think back to leaders who have been in my life and
how much they have impacted me, and think that I am being put in that role and
I absolutely don’t want to botch it.
I
think back to the jr. high or even early high school Cherise and what she would
say if you told her then that she would be continually placed into a leadership
position. I was struggling with
even finding a group of friends that I really felt like I could belong in-
wandering from one group to another, the ultimate follower almost of the
desperate sorts. If you would have
told me then the places that God would call me to go I would have shook my head
in disbelief. I wanted to be that girl, probably more than there would have
been words to describe, but I wouldn’t have even been able to see myself as a
student leader at the Break better yet in a leadership role with Sonshine or
here on this trip. I actually had
my dad bring with him my Sonshine super ultra packet just to have some sort of
resource to remind me of what it looks like to lead… I was reading it and saw
the quote, “the best leaders are the best followers of Christ”.
It
always comes back to Jesus. Following him. Looking at him. I know this… but
still that question haunts me… “What does this say about me as a leader?”… Does
this mean I am not following Jesus as close as I should be? Did I misunderstand the call? Am I just
trying to step into this because it’s who I would want to be or is it really
what he is calling me to?
Through
out this trip people have spoken over me that God has called me to lead and to
be influential. People on my team speak of how I am ‘confident’ or ‘decisive’
or a ‘trend setter’ or ‘independent’ but when I hear people say these things I
just want to shout, “no, No, NO!” People see one thing and all the while I
still feel like 9th grade Cherise, unsure and insecure, looking for a place to belong or
someone to follow. I stand up and speak when we go somewhere but as soon as we
get back to the base I almost want to hide or pull over my invisibility cloak
to dodge the on coming questions of what’s next. People see me one way and it’s so far from how I feel that I
almost feel as though I am just an imposter. I just want to follow. I just want to look and see someone
who will tell me where to go and what my next move should be. I guess that hits it exactly. I just want to follow. And Jesus tells
me to follow him.
Sometimes
I just wish people wouldn’t see me.
I wish people would see that the only one worth following is Jesus. Please. I think of Paul and the role
model he is for leadership and how he says ‘follow me as I follow Christ” (1st
Corinthians 11:1). I wish I had
the courage or confidence to make a statement like that but I am not there. I
feel like that is a lot of responsibility and I don’t know if I am ready or capable
of handling it. I feel like I
relate much more with Barnabas than I have ever felt like I have with Paul.
I
don’t know really how else to say what is going on in my head right now… if you
think about it please just be praying for me; that Satan wouldn’t be able to
take what is going on with my team and my role here and cause me to doubt my
role in leadership for this summer.
Pray for me and my whole team that individually and corporately we would
ONLY look to follow Jesus, that we wouldn’t settle or be content with anything
less that Jesus.
